Russell Crowe as Noah

Let’s face it, this Noah movie, with its religious themes (punishment, vengeance, orgiastic violence against non-believers, end of days nonsense), glibly painted by self-important Hollywood filmmakers with too big a budget and too many focus groups – well, it was never going to be my film of the year. But blimey, I never expected it to be quite such a dreadful movie.

It’s really, really terrible – all sound and fury, noise and special effects, abhorrent manipulations faking emotion, glib sentiment masquerading as plot. The script is contrived, the performances ridiculous – when pugnacious Ray Winstone, just the over-acting worst of the lot, bellows “Take the ark!”, I wanted to thump someone. Noah looks very nice and everything (thanks, Iceland) but when the wooden boat offers possibly the most vibrant of the performances on screen, you know you’re deep, deep in trouble. Noah is totally empty and soulless and it’s two hours I just won’t ever get back.


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