A few things:

Firstly, The Fallen is a person. Or rather (in spite of the kind of self-referential name worthy only of a guitarist in a rock band) he’s a Decepticon-Humanoid-Truck-Robot thingy.

Secondly, the movie’s got insulting, black “comic relief” Transformers – think Ja-Ja Binks meets Honda Accord.

Thirdly, it’s loud but it’s still really boring.

And fourthly, even snaky-hipped Shia LaBoeuf can’t save this car crash.

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